Super Bowl XLV will probably not be an exciting struggle pitting two warring forces against one another in a fierce battle for supremacy. Statistically speaking, it’s more than likely going to be a blowout that everyone secretly wishes they hadn’t wasted their time and money on, after which everyone will go return their new giant television sets to Costco.

So maybe it won’t be good football, but that’s not why people watch anymore anyway: it’s for the commercials! We’ve put together a handy guide for the hapless advertiser that has yet to produce their marketing masterpiece, so that you can avoid the pitfalls of Super Bowls past and put on the best advertisement money can buy.

The first element of a great commercial is obviously having a great product. Wait wait wait, come back! You can’t just run out and make a commercial with only a great product backing you up, as this ad from 2007 for Salesgenie proves:

You see what we mean? In what is quite possibly the worst Super Bowl commercial ever, Salesgenie made themselves look amateurish and incompetent and, in what could only be considered a blessing given how bad this spot is, ensured that nobody will remember who they are.

So you take your amazing product and you want to make a memorable commercial, right? What you need is one of the following elements.

  • Humor
  • Heart
  • Sex Appeal

Seriously folks, that’s about all it take. And again, you only get to pick one. You have thirty seconds, possible sixty to get your message across, and if you try to mix and match styles (most often attempted using Humor and Sex) you wind up with an unholy, unsexy, unfunny mess that we refer to as Every Single GoDaddy Commercial Ever Made.

Not good. So what are some good examples of Super Bowl Commercials?

Let’s start from the top, with the funny. We could have chosen the Will Ferrell Bud Light spot, but that’s low-hanging fruit. If you can’t make something funny with Will Ferrell then you deserve to be shot. No, instead we bring you the funniest Bud Light ad from 2007, Slap.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HxC8zycxa4g

If you decide that funny isn’t your bag, you could try and tug at the heartstrings with a little emotional appeal. This works best if you’re ad is targeting the ladies, which is a tough row to hoe during a game dominated by male chauvinism and testosterone. Thanks to recent scientific research however, we know that a woman’s tears reduces testosterone in males. This has nothing to do with anything, it’s just a fun fact.

So here’s Big Day, the best commercial of the 2001 Super Bowl and probably one of the best commercials ever produced. Get your tissues handy.

And finally we come to sex, that thing that typically the most unimaginative and creatively bankrupt agencies trot out during the Super Bowl because their focus groups tell them to. Sex certainly gets people’s attention, that’s no secret, but does it sell products? If done properly we see no reason why it can’t, as this Victoria’s Secret spot from 2008 can readily attest to.

Riiiight, so that worked pretty well, didn’t it?

So there you have it folks: a primer on how to make your very own Super Bowl commercial, and how to get it right the first time. No need to thank us, if you stop airing unwatchable garbage during the game it will be more than thanks enough.