Do you have 3 million dollars in your pocket and can’t figure out a way to spend them? Well, don’t bother buying a Superbowl ad. The companies who will be advertising in this year’s Superbowl have been announced and we have them all written below.
Are you ready? Here we go.
Anheuser-Busch InBev has not said how much time it bought, but last year it had 4 minutes and 30 seconds, which cost them something like the price of Finland.
Audi of America has bought one 60-second spot airing in the 4th quarter. The ad is promoting the Audi A3 TDI — the “Green Car of the Year” — with Cheap Trick, a rock group, rewriting one of their songs for the commercial.
Boost Mobile has bought a 30-second spot with a, “nostalgic feel to it” — which almost for sure means that they’re finally announcing that rotary cell phone we’ve all been waiting for.
Bridgestone is getting a 30-second spot in the 1st quarter and one in the break of the 3rd quarter because they’re sponsoring the halftime show. The same halftime show that will include The Who and, if things go right, seven million jokes about Janet Jackson’s nipple.
Cars.com will have one 60-second ad in the first half of the game that talks about Cars.com giving confidence to the consumers — who, by the way, are totally not buying cars in this economy.
Careerbuilder has one spot in the second quarter that will show the spot that won their, “Hire My TV Ad” contest. Careerbuilder will also advertise it’s new policy of helping you find a job only if you’re voted into it in their, “Please Somebody Hire Me” contest.
Chrysler’s Dodge has one 60-second ad with, “a message of irreverence” which is always the type of message that has made us want to buy a car.
Coca-Cola has bought ad time but has remained mum on what it will be doing with that time. We imagine it’ll just be a guy holding a Coke saying, “Come on. You know who we are.”
Denny’s is going to have one spot which may or may not have a similar giveaway to last year’s “Grand Slam breakfast freebie” which convinced 2 million people to eat awful Denny’s food. Denny’s, food so bad, we’ll give it to you for free.
Diamond Foods’ Pop-Secret will have one 30-second spot in the 4th quarter and will be their first foray into the Super Bowl. The commercial will have a family of popcorn kernels who… how many times can we see animated talking popcorn before we stop wanting to eat it?
Dockers will have one 30-second ad in the 2nd quarter that will put focus on their khaki pants and the fact that no one is buying any of their other stuff.
Doritos (part of PepsiCo’s Frito-Lay) will have 3 30-second spot. They will once again show ads of the winners of their “Crash the Super Bowl Contest” who, by the way, win not only a million dollars but also high cholesterol.
Dr. Pepper Snapple Group has purshed a 30-second spot to run during the second quarter — Dr. Pepper’s first appearance at the Super Bowl. The ad will promote the Dr. Pepper Cherry line and will be advertised, no joke, by Gene Simmons as Dr. Love and the rest of Kiss. Because nothing makes us want to drink Dr. Pepper like a middle-aged man in gothy mime make up.
E-Trade has one 30-second spot and the word is that the talking baby is back. We hope the baby delves into some of the more serious stock market issues and educates us about the crash… while hilariously puking!
Electronic Arts has bought one spot but hasn’t said what it will show just yet. We imagine something about how awesome they are.
GoDaddy.com will have 2 30-second ads in the first and fourth quarters and will feature Danica Patrick. We imagine she’ll probably get almost naked and they’ll tell you to go to their website to see more but there really won’t be a whole lot more and you’ll leave, disappointed but 3 domain names richer.
HomeAway is an online vacation-rentals listing services that apparently does well enough to not only buy one 30-second ad but also to have Chevy Chase and Beverly D’Angelo reprise their roles as Mr. and Mrs. Clark Griswold in the National Lampoon’s Vacation movies. Not that Chevy costs any money anymore but, still, bravo HomeAway!
Honda will have one 30-second spot at the second hald of the game and will talk about the launch of the Accord Crosstour, a wagon-sedan thing that will also transform into a world-saving robot.
Hyundai will have two 30-second spots, one in the second quarter and one in the third. They’ll also have two 5-second billboards and talk primarily about how their robot-car can beat Honda’s robot-car.
Kia will have one 30-second spot in the third quarter that will debute their 2011-model Sorento crossover. We have nothing especially funny to say about this. Maybe, K-K-Kia? Wait, that’s not funny, that’s terrifying.
kgb will have one 30-second spot to air in the third quarter that will focus on their “542542” text-answer service as a way to get information from their “special agents” instead of searching for it like some kind of neanderthal.
Mars has bought some time in the Superbowl but hasn’t actually said what it intends to do — possibly a Snickers ad. Possibly not. Mars is a mysterious entity and does what it wants.
Monster will have one spot during the game and will mostly talk about how their neon green magic liquid is actually Speed.
Motorola has purchased at least one ad, but has yet to reveal what that will be.
NFL will have two spots — a 30-second one and a 60-second one that will apparently advertise the… Super Bowl?
Teleflora will have another ad this year — making their debut last year. The ad will rub your face into the fact that they’re a flower company that can afford a 3-million dollar commercial slot.
TRUTV will have one 30 second spot in the 2nd quarter that will spotlight “Full Contact” — a show that takes viewers behind the scenes of the NFL. This is kind of a new thing since usually networks don’t like to air ads from their competition in cable, but hey, even networks need money.
U.S. Census Bureau will have one 30-second spot in the third quarter, and while they haven’t announced what it will be yet, we bet it’ll be hilarious.
Unilever’s Dove Men Care will have at least one spot that will probably be geared toward a new line being aimed at men who are, “comfortable in their own skin.” Which just sounds like women to us.
Universal Pictures will have at least one spot in the Super Bowl — they have several movies coming out, including Robin Hood, Despicable Me
Viacom’s Paramount Pictures will have three ads in the first and second quarters promoting Shutter Island, Iron Man 2 and The Last Airbender by M. Night Shayamalan. The Last Airbender, by the way, will not end in a bad twist — which is actually the twist.
Volkswagen of America will have one 30-second spot that airs in the third quarter of the game that will apparently introduce a “new approach” to their Das Auto tagline. Sure, we want to make a Nazi joke, but that would just not be guttimun.
Walt Disney Pictures will have at least one spot but they won’t tell us what it will be. Though, some say that their animatronic giant Walt Disney robot is near completion and we may just see them announce him as our new overlord this February!
Yum Brands’ Taco Bell will have at least one 30-second spot but haven’t said what that will be. We’re guessing it’ll be something about a new Mexican food that you would never, ever, ever, ever actually find in Mexico.
And that, as they say, is that. We look forward to watching, laughing, crying and picking out which companies will be out of business by next year. Happy Super Bowl!