Budweiser – 1999 – Frogs Get Canned

This is yet another example (we’re getting kind of tired of Budweiser having all these great examples) of how you can make a commercial that has absolutely nothing to do with your product that actually does better than trying to sell your actual product. Did that make any sense? There’s even a little self-referential thing going on at the end when the lizard says “Now how is that supposed to sell beer?” By steering the narrative away from the quality issue, that’s how.

While this commercial is funny, well-written, and extremely well acted, those frogs are hands-down the most annoying advertising… things ever put on the air. We can’t say we were sad to see them go.

Fedex – 1999 – Stanley Cup

Fedex takes the hockey fever into their ad campaign with this spot about some misdirected packages. It’s sort of a cute idea we suppose, but just doesn’t have any of the magic of some of their other brilliant ads. We guess they can’t all be works of genius, but this one just seemed especially obvious.

And we could use a little help here: what was in that box? A donkey or something? We get that it wasn’t the Stanley Cup (seriously, we saw that coming a mile away), but… what was it?

Fox Sports NHL – 1999 – Bowling

This is sort of an internet-quality commercial before people were really making commercials for the internet. It’s almost unbelievable that this horribly produced sketch made it onto the air.

Don’t get us wrong, it’s a really funny idea, but the only thing about it worse than the acting is the voice over job. It’s like the guys who wrote the script hired their cousin to say the lines for a test, then forgot to re-record it with a decent voice actor.

This is why you hire professionals, people!

Yahoo! – 1999 – Hair

This is from the Dark Ages when Yahoo! used to advertise. Now Google has taken over despite having no advertising budget whatsoever, and Yahoo! is mere months away from rolling over and playing dead. What happened, Yahoo? When you have a competitor that is better than you in every way, you change the subject! Look at Budweiser, nobody actually likes their beer, but they have the best commercials on the air so people drink it.

So anyway, this was a great commercial from the days when Yahoo! cared about their business.

Pepsi – 1999 – Pepsi One

The sheer audacity of this terrible commercial is actually awe-inspiring. First we have Cuba Gooding Jr., who under normal circumstances we would say has no business being in this horrible spot, except for the fact that he is apparently a horrible actor. Cameron Crowe must have basically used up all of Mr. Jr.’s acting talent in Jerry Maguire and then hung him out to dry. So we have Cuba there acting all, we don’t know, terrible, with some wildly effeminate man trying to activate the car alarm. But wait, it’s all hilarious because that wasn’t the car alarm, that was the explode-the-car button!

And then the not-intimidating guy announces that his Pepsi was delicious. We give up.

Doritos – 1999 – Hot

We shudder to think what this woman’s breath must be like after eating a bag of “Smoky Red Barbecue” Doritos. It’s almost as if we’re expected to believe that hot chicks have no bodily functions whatsoever. Are we even clear about what exactly these men are turned on about? Is it the woman, or the chips? If the chips really set off fire alarms then should she really be taking a route through the library everyday?

Budweiser – 1999 – Lobster

In what should win the award for Best Performance In A Comedy Or Musical By A Crustacean, this Budweiser commercial somehow manages to be funny while still having something remotely to do with the product being advertised. Our takeaway from this was actually that the lobster was a hero for removing even just one bottle of Bud from what looks to be a decent establishment, but we suspect that isn’t what the ad agency was going for.

Gillette – 1999 – Mach 3

Remember when razors only had three blades? It seems like a long time ago, we know. Today we’ve added blades at a steady clip year after year, until the razors you buy in the store today are little more than stationary belt sanders that slough off the top layer of your skin.

We especially love that jet that flies so fast it actually strips itself, and the pilot’s clothes, to pieces. It’s a suitable analogy since that’s basically what razors these days do to a man’s face.

WWF – 1999 – World Headquarters

They’re actually called the WWE these days, since the World Wildlife Fund bitch-slapped them with a lawsuit and got the “WWF” initials back for themselves. This ad from the 1999 game shows how misunderstood the wrestlers in the WWF really are, including a glimpse at Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in some delicious Speedos. Our favorite sight gag in this one is the blind ref wandering around amidst the carnage.

On a more serious note, it’s pretty horrible how our first thought when seeing the final image of a man diving through the window of the burning building made us think of the World Trade Center on 9/11. Good thing this aired in 1999 instead of  two or three years later, right? That would have just been tacky.

Apple – 1999 – HAL 9000

Apple does the responsible thing and airs an ad in 1999 assuring unspeakable societal meltdown when the new millennium starts, thanks to Windows computers that can’t handle the changeover. You know what would have been really cool? Taking those sanctimonious d-bags down a few pegs by actually engineering a societal collapse. Wouldn’t they feel like jerks for trying to sell a few measly computers when people were dying in the streets?

What’s ironic is that every damn New Year’s Day the alarms on everyone’s iPhone’s fail to work, and none of the engineers in Cupertino seem to understand why. How the tables have turned!

Monster.com – 1999 – When I Grow Up

This is Monster’s first foray into the wild and crazy world of Super Bowl advertising, and it paid off in a big way. This was well received by fans and critics alike (are there commercial critics?), making Monster.com a household name instantly.

They do a great job by tugging the heartstrings of childhood dreams, but fail to mention one important detail: most of the jobs in their database are for filing, or are bottom rungs on the corporate ladder, or are the kinds of jobs in which people can be replaced on a whim.

Oh well, we guess that’s advertising, right? Sell them the dream, but deliver the reality.

Just For Feet – 1999 – Kenyan Runner

Wow, just… wow. This is easily one of the most inappropriate commercials we think we’ve ever seen, and that includes several propaganda films from the forties. Pro tip for anyone thinking of going into the ad game: do not, under any circumstances, depict white dudes chasing a Kenyan through the African savanna. If you’ve already shot that, then by no means show them drugging him. And if you’ve already gone too far down that road, please remember not to show him waking up with shoes on his feet, trying to shake them off like an animal trying to remove a tracking tag.

The only way we can think of to have made this worse is to have put those runners shoes with the little toes on him, those things look really stupid.