2010

Hey! That commercial makes us want to fill out our census paperwork! No, that’s not true. It makes us go, oh wait didn’t the government send us something at some point that wasn’t a bill or a lawsuit? What did we do with it… what did we do with it… oh. It seems to have been a coaster for the last few weeks. Well, you have to admit… it kind of makes a nice coaster.

What were we talking about, again?

Hey. You know what? You’re welcome. Yes, we gain at least 10 pounds the day of the Superbowl. Yes, our wives start hating us a little more each year and yes, our fingers are permanently tinted orange by years of devouring Doritos and Cheetos – but, we gotta hand it to you, Superbowl. You’re fun. And, you’re welcome.

You gotta hand it to Coke, they know how to make a commercial. First of all, it’s funny. Second of all, it’s shot beautifully and makes us want to go on Safari like, immediately (especially if there’s a Coke at the end of the Safari… dammit, see how fast advertising works?) We’re fans of all the recent Coke commercials, and if Coke wasn’t as terrible for you as it was, we’d be bathing in the thing.

That’s… it? Really? Nevermind the fact that very few men will actually drink a beer that proudly displays how few calories it has — but, couldn’t you have thought of something a little more clever than that, Budweiser? That wasn’t even an idea, that was sliding a piece of ice along your bottle of beer and having a VO advertise the product. That may work in your normal every day commercialing but not in the Superbowl!

You’ve failed us, Budweiser.

What does that even mean? 94 million viewers follow NCIS? Really? Like… total? Every episode? Why do we not believe that number, so much? Or do they mean 94 million have at some point in time accidentally, while crowd-surfing, watching a second of the show?

94 million… really?!

We’re pretty certain this is one of the homemade Doritos commercials for the Doritos “Make Your Own Commercial” contest. Not bad, guys, not bad. We hated last year’s winner and so far, this one is funnier — but not by much. We’re not super keen on it, but, hey, let’s give Doritos some credit for allowing the little guy to get some attention for their filmmaking abilities (while simultaneously making Doritos a commercial).

Well, that one was just sad, wasn’t it? But then, which one of us hasn’t offended a robot? Especially with new technology coming out every other day, it’s easy to forget how our VHS players or Zip drives feel. I think it’s time we all took a moment, went to our basement, and told them how much we loved them. Come on, get to it.

How can you not love the E-Trade baby? Honestly, how? It’s like they took the best part of “Look Who’s Talking?” and cross-bred it with the stock market — creating a Frankenstein monster of pure genius. Seriously, it’s adorable, it’s funny and, again, how can you not love the E-Trade baby?

Oh, silly super villain with your silly immigrant accent! Oh, silly driver, with your unnatural love of tires and your lack of love for your wife! Oh, hilarious hijinx when these two joyfully amusing characters meet!

Oh, Bridgestone! I can’t wait to trade in our wife for you!

It rocks, it rocks, now please stop it because it… we can’t find a word that rhymes with “rocks” and means “makes us want to vomit and scream all at the same time.” This is the kind of commercial that can double as a torture device. It’s just… it’s just awful. We’ll take Danica Patrick naked over this any day.

We’re not going to watch this show because of an interesting plot line. Nor will we watch it because it appears to be well-written and well-directed. Instead, we will watch it because Mr. Big is in it, and that, along with us knowing his character name, will make every woman in the world love us.