Oh, Jack in the Box. We remember when the only thing good about your restaurant were the Jack commercials. Now they feel tired and old. You should have just went for it — you should’ve just had Jack die in this one. It’s the Superbowl, after all, take some risks, kill the protagonists, stir up the story!

Oh, sure, you joke now, CBS. But just give it a few more years and we’ll be throwing out our new Samsung 3D TVs and buying Samsung 5D TVs which will then be replaced by 8D TVs at which point we’re giving up and going the route of our grandparents — where we remember how much better the older, simpler days were.

You crazy kids with your dimensions.

For half a second, we thought they were advertising some kind of chicken sandwich and even us — lovers of meat as we are — were a little horrified. But no, thankfully, they’re just talking about abusing female chickens and stealing their children, which is fine because, let’s face it, baby chickens make a delicious breakfast.

Cute commercial… though, we still hate Dennys.

That was… awesome. At first we were doing that eye-rolling that that’s reserved for just about every beer commercial but then… as if by magic, Budweiser pulls out sheer gold. You know what the best part of the commercial is? The premise is funny but — it’s the expression on the truck driver’s face — the disbelief — that sells the whole thing.

We love it. Bravo Budweiser, bravo.

This commercial feels as dated as drinking Dr. Pepper. Does anyone still drink Dr. Pepper, really? We don’t remember the last time we even saw a can of Dr. Pepper… or a KISS concert. Or a Little KISS concert. Or anything related to KISS that wasn’t making fun of them… oh wait a minute. We see what they did here.

Okay, we want some Dr. Pepper.

You gotta hand it to Google — that commercial probably took all of an hour to put together and cost someone a few bucks to edit but it’s already better than half of the other things playing at the Super Bowl. Simple, poetic, to the point and memorable. There’s a reason everybody loves Google — and that’s because the guys behind everything Google are damn near geniuses.

Okay, fine — we weren’t big fans of the other Dennys commercials this year but, that one was pretty good. If you’re not on board, that was a little reference to that beloved internet trend of showing something sweet and then frightening the hell out of the viewer with some kind of woman shrieking at the top of her lungs. Very clever, Dennys, very clever.

You know what scares us though? As much as we hate Dennys food, we literally thought, “Oh, really, free Grand Slam on our birthday?” It’s as if “free” makes everything okay. Take note, prostitutes.

What? Why would we say that?

There’s something odd about advertising another sport during a huge event for a completely different one. It makes sense and all it just… it makes us go, okay, okay, we’ll get to NCAA in March – can we get back to people smashing into one another now? Please? Less bouncing ball and more bumping heads.

Fun fact: EA had trouble getting this commercial passed because the tagline was originally, “Go to Hell” and because there was nothing about not aborting your baby in the commercial.

On a side note, we wonder sometimes if Dante Alghieri would enjoy playing the video game version of his epic poem or if he would, instead, scream sacrilege and go pray himself to death. We’re just saying: how far art has gone into the bizarre.

Tim Burton film, plus Alice in Wonderland sequel (technically), plus Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter equals pure, pure gold. Yes, we’re slightly worried that they Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’ed it. But In Burton We Trust — and you just can’t ruin one of the best fairytales ever written — especially when the thing seems to have almost been written FOR Mr. Burton.

Cute commercial. Though it makes us immediately think of Bill Murray and one of the best movies ever made… Groundhog’s Day. Anyway, did this commercial make anyone else really, really want a little Polamalu in like a cage in your house to play with? Anyone? No? Okay, us either.

Man, those are some mean, dead flowers. We’re happy that the mildly unnattractive woman got Teleflora’s vase’d flowers, though, because otherwise we wouldn’t have respected her as much. Though, honestly, we think the girl that appreciates dead talking flowers is the girl that we’re going to one day marry.