It Rocks It Rocks – Taco Bell – Super Bowl 2010

It rocks, it rocks, now please stop it because it… we can’t find a word that rhymes with “rocks” and means “makes us want to vomit and scream all at the same time.” This is the kind of commercial that can double as a torture device. It’s just… it’s just awful. We’ll take Danica Patrick naked over this any day.

A Good Wife Promo – Super Bowl 2010

We’re not going to watch this show because of an interesting plot line. Nor will we watch it because it appears to be well-written and well-directed. Instead, we will watch it because Mr. Big is in it, and that, along with us knowing his character name, will make every woman in the world love us.

Kia – 2010 Big Game – Super Bowl 2010

Another commercial that makes us feel entirely too high to be watching commercials. We’re not sure if it necessarily wanted to make us buy a Kia as much as it made us want to hang out with a bunch of people in bizarre animal mascot outfits, but, I guess it’s memorable and in the end, that’s what makes a good commercial… right?

Criminal Minds – CBS Promo – Super Bowl 2010

A show about some kind of organization that try and stop killers?! This is new! This is hot! No one has ever done this before except the 18 Law & Orders, 24 CSIs and, you know, Jack Bauer! It’s amazing how interested we as an audience are in crime — it’s almost as if we’d kill just to see it.

See what we did there?

Go Daddy – News

Wait, there’s NAKED girls on the Internet?! And all we have to do is go to the GoDaddy.com site and — wait a minute, no one gets naked on that site! So many lies…

You know, the GoDaddy commercials are so ridiculous in their pandering to geeky guys who want to see breasts that it’s almost hilarious. Almost. If it wasn’t so shameless.

Dennys – Chickens Across America

Wait, when did Barack relinquish his Presidency to chickens? What’s happening?! You’d think if the chickens had this kind of control they wouldn’t really worry about the whole Dennys breakfast thing…

There’s something mildly irritating about the, “Great day for Americans, bad day for chickens” tagline. Maybe it’s because if you replace the chicken part with the current enemy country of choice, you get the tagline for America in general.

Or maybe we didn’t drink enough Bud Light during the Superbowl to fully appreciate the ad and the torturing of chickens.

Vizio – Super Bowl 2010

We love all these new TVs. With Samsung releasing a 3D TV and this Vizio that puts the Internets directly into your home, it’s all great but, jesus, it makes us not want to invest into any screen until we know for sure that a better one isn’t going to come out in a week.

Still, Vizio’s in on the future of entertainment. This TV is a huge step for web series and things of that nature — it’s not just on your small little monitor anymore, now you can watch and read things (like our blog) right on your TV. Prepare for this to be the standard of the future.

Volkswagen – PunchDub

You know what? We loved that commercial. Well shot, adorable, fast and memorable. It’s everything a commercial should be — it never bores, it never makes you roll your eyes and it doesn’t feel like the same ol’ thing we see every day. We’re fans. Plus, you can never go wrong with Tracy Morgan — especially if you pair him with a smug Stevie Wonder. That’s just a recipe for success.

KGB – Sumo Wrestlers – Super Bowl 2010

Yeah! Take THAT Google! Nobody needs you anymore! All we need is our phones, text messaging, and a company named after a Soviet-era government agency that was known for its brutality to help us find our way!

Okay, sure, so, KGB sounds like a pretty fun service. But, come on, guys — as if we’re going to ask KGB the number of the closest escort service or what the average penis length is. It’s just not happening — and as long as there’s adult entertainment, Google will reign supreme.

Emerald Nuts – Awesome + Awesome = ? – Super Bowl 2010

Oh god, it’s like an LSD-influenced fever dream that makes less and less sense the more you watch it. But we think we got it, it’s like… eat Emerald Nuts and PopSecret and… become… like a dolphin in a… okay, we’re not sure. But, we like the tagline and every time we’ll see a thing of Emerald Nuts we’ll get flashbacks. So, frankly, mission accomplished Emerald Nuts, mission accomplished.