It’s the last day before the Superbowl weekend and so we have graciously decided to give you not one news story but small chunks of several to feed your ¬†Superbowl commercial hungry. Yes, there’s more Tim Tebow abortion news (now he hates babies and wants to kill ones that aren’t even fetuses! Tim, why?!), there’s a 2.5 million government ad buy, ¬†some GoDaddy news and even a trailer for an M. Night Shyamalyan movie that, while we hate to spoil the ending, will suck.

Tim Tebow’s Pro-Life Anti-Abortion Extravaganza

So, do you remember how the Focus on the Family group bought an ad for 2 million dollars showing Tim Tebow and his mom talking about her not killing him when he was inside of her? And remember how it started a whole lot of controversy, where people are like, hey, wait, the Superbowl isn’t supposed to be about issues, it’s about Danica Patrick’s breasts! Well, because Focus on the Family figured it wasn’t getting enough press from the whole shebang, the company will not only be showing the commercial during the game, but will also have four separate ads during the pregame.

That’s right, four.

Oh, Mrs. Tebow — how have you not aborted your son? Let us count the ways…

So, we look forward to the preaching.

Government Buys 2.5 Million Dollar Ad For Census Boost

Wait, sorry, we mean your tax dollars. Your tax dollars are buying the 2.5 million dollar ad, which will try and remind you to fill out your census forms so the government knows things like, where you live, if you still live, and if your state matters anymore.

The 2.5 million dollars will reach what the Census Bureau hopes will be roughly 45 percent of all U.S. adults and will include two 30-second pregame spots, two or three on-air mentions by James Brown, the sportscaster and a 30-second ad during the third-quarter.

Yes, it does seem like a gigantic waste of money — but, it’s actually kind of important. You see, the census is highly important to mayors, county commissioners, governors, US House members, state legislators and, well, you. The reason is that the head count determines the size and shape of legislative districts and, more importantly, tells Mr. Obama how much money out of the $400 billion federal aid to give the people in a specific district.

So, see? It might feel dirty. It might feel bizarre. But it actually makes sense. And that’s why you read things before getting angry (we’re looking at you, Mr. John McCain, and your bizarre Twitter about the Census competing against Doritos).

GoDaddy’s Danica Patrick Is A Sluttier Marilyn Monroe No Longer

That’s right, for all of those who were hoping to see Danica Patrick reprise various famous film roles in an ad called, “Movies” — we’ve got some bad news. GoDaddy has pulled the ad, citing copyright issues. Apparently, the ads are so bad it even made Marilyn turn in her grave.

But, fear not. The company will still run two other ads — one is titled, “Spa” featuring Danica getting an audition from a masseuse who wants to be a GoDaddy girl, and the other one is called, “News” which will spoof a daily talk show discussing the company’s own “controversial” ads.

Frankly, we’re upset. Who wants to hear about abortion when copyright issues are holding back Danica Patrick from taking off her clothes in a way we remember from old films?! Dammit, America!

The Last Airbender Trailer Is Sadly Not Last M. Night Shyamalan Movie

…we hate writing his last name, it gives us seizures.

But we digress. Based on an animated Nickelodeon series (you already know it’s going to be good) it’s a movie about some people who can control the elements. No, it’s not Captain Planet (oh god, that’s the twist!) and we have to grudgingly admit that it actually looks kind of cool, but… we thought the same thing about Signs and the aliens were killed by water.

By water.

They traveled light years to come to a planet that’s covered in water, with beings mostly composed of it.

They were afraid of WATER!

Okay… we’re okay now. And, now, without further ado, the Superbowl trailer for another M. Night… etc. movie:

That’s it for now! Make sure to watch our site on Sunday to get your Superbowl commercial kicks!

Thanks for reading!